Guilt

I miss Ethan like crazy.  Every time I see a baby commercial.  Every time I see a cute outfit.  All day, every day.

But when I feel happy for anything else, I am plagued with guilt.  Plagued.  I don't know how to stop it.  If I am excited about anything, I feel terrible guilt that Ethan isn't here.  That some how I have not included him.  And so I cry. 

I don't know how to resolve this.

Capture Your Grief. Day 31. Sunset

Much like the sunrise day, I didn't catch the sunset. It was a pretty rainy day.

I know I have missed a few days and topics. Some I just didn't know how to properly capture the picture. I may go back and do them.  Or I may just write down what I think about them.

I think this whole process of "capturing my grief" has taught me a lot about myself. It has been a wonderful, and crappy at the same time, event to participate in. I hope I will do this next year and compare the two.

I like that the closing is of the sunset. It feels complete.

Thank you everyone for reading my postings and for commenting on them. As us bereaved parents say all the time, there isn't anything better in the world than people bringing up the names of our children. People thinking about them. Remembering funny stories while we were pregnant etc. So thank you.

Capture Your Grief. Day 26. Community.

This is a pic of my neighbour's tree. It's a cute little tree but I think it represents my "community" well. Much like a family tree.

The branches of this tree are my family, I've mentioned it before but I have an amazing family and the world's best brother, my friends (each one of you have done something to help me on this grief path), my neighbours (one day I was so overwhelmed with grief and no one was home at my house so I had to ask them for a hug), and especially all of the wonderful people I have met in the Baby Loss Community - my facebook friends and especially all of my Twitter friends.  Even my friends on Twitter from the IF community.  You all have been so wonderful.

Since Ethan died, I have surrounded myself with great friends and family members who are understanding, patient and amazing. I have also surrounded myself with other Baby Loss Mommas and have made some amazing friendships, all stemming from the ridiculous fact that our babies have died. It is an unbearable pain that I am so sad to say but am so fortunate to share with such amazing other people.

Capture Your Grief. Day 25. #Sayitoutloud

It is funny that I didn't put this one on my blog and on twitter earlier, since it has a hashtag and I love twitter.

 

 

 

We were supposed to bring you home in your carseat, not in an ugly plastic box.

Nothing will ever make this right. Nothing. Ever.

Please don't tell me that we will feel better in time. Time only brings what we won't have. Halloween came and went. That was almost 7 months. We weren't able to dress Ethan in the costumes we bought for him. In 3 years time, he should be starting school. In 16 years, getting his license. There will always be something. Time does not heal. It only provides you with an opportunity to learn how to cope.

Please don't say anything with "at least" at the beginning of your sentence. Someone said to me "at least you know now that you can carry a baby full term". I cannot publish that words I have for that.

Capture Your Grief. Day 24. Artwork

This is my Ethan collection:





The rock is a rock that my aunt's (again, best aunt ever) 8 year old son scouted and found from a beach in France as a perfect "Ethan rock". My little cousin wrote Ethan's name on it, drew a soccer ball and a home (because "that is where Ethan lives").

The middle picture is a painting that my aunt had someone do at the base of the Eiffel Tower. I cried like an insane person when she gave it to me. It was and still is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen (besides Ethan of course).

The bottom is a photograph that I got from Chandler Photography. It is a huge photo that was taken, I believe, in her backyard. We also have a second photo of this Ethan flower. We have the second photo hanging above the dinner table at the cottage.

Capture Your Grief. Day 23. Tattoos/Jewellery

Mark and I both have tattoos in memory of Ethan. You can find mine on day 3 and 11 of my Capture Your Grief.

When we were in Cuba in May, thanks to the generosity of our fabulous friends, even though I had brought pictures of Ethan, I felt like I was so far away from him. So Mark and I bought an Ethan bracelet. It was a metal bracelet with blue beads on it. It was something that was nice and yet looked sort of masculine too. We thought that it would be something that Ethan would buy for me. And it made me feel a bit closer to him. I can't find that bracelet today...

 

The rest is my collection of Ethan jewellery so far. Everything I have makes me feel closer to him. From left to right:

1) Ethan owl necklace. When we visited with Ethan in the funeral home, he sort of looked like an owl. I am so happy that owls are "in" right now...

2) E necklace. My amazing aunt (same one who does amazing things for me all the time) got me this necklace.

3) Ethan broken heart necklace. This necklace was free from a charity called August Wings. They provide bereaved mothers with a two necklaces, a half broken heart with your baby's name on it, and another small broken heart that you can keep with your baby. I wear this necklace basically every day, under my clothes. The other half of the necklace is with Ethan's ashes.

4) Blue dragonfly necklace from Jewellery Designs by Anastasia. A lot of the babyloss community sees dragonflies as signs from their loved ones. This summer at the cottage, I was out on the lake when the neighbours came up with their little boy. I was feeling so sad when a blue dragonfly came and landed on me and stayed with me for the entire time I was out there. So now I associate blue dragonflies with Ethan too.

5) A beautiful bracelet that the owner of Jewellery Designs by Anastasia gave to me in memory of Ethan.

6) A ring that says "My Forever Love, Ethan"

I feel like I am missing more and if so, I will post them later.

I keep all of my Ethan collection separate from the rest of my stuff in a jewellery box that my brother gave me. I figure he is one of the most, if not the most connected family members to Ethan, so it is appropriate.

Capture Your Grief. Day 22. Words.

 


"Code Pink", the nurses called shortly after Ethan was born. 

And then we knew it was bad. 

With those two simple little words, our world came crashing down, our hearts broke. 

We lost all faith and hope. 

We lost Ethan.

Capture Your Grief. Day 21. Honour.

We try to honour Ethan any way we can possibly think of. We talk to him, we show him things, we tell everyone and anyone about him.

We showed him where we got engaged... we tell him about the changing seasons.

I hate quoting Glee, but the mom of Finn said it best "how do you go on being a parent when your child has died?".

It is so hard.

Capture Your Grief. Day 20. Hope

A big photo of nothingness? Yup, that's about right. I do not have any hope anymore. It's so easy for people to say "you'll have another", but in reality, it's not that easy.

Ethan was 4 years, almost to the day, in the making. FOUR YEARS!

Ethan was supposed to be our "rainbow baby". The baby that comes after the storm of losing other babies. We didn't even know this term until he died. But we did see rainbows. Every single time we were worried about our pregnancy with him, rainbows would appear.

Why? We assumed it was meant as a sign that everything was going to be okay. Did we ever assume wrong.

Ethan was our third pregnancy. And our third loss. We were HOPING that when I was pregnant it would be our third time lucky. But look where that hope got us.

So when it comes to "hope", it's garbage and just another let down.

I hate quoting Glee but Sue Sylvester said it best:

"there is no lesson here, there is no happy ending, there's just nothing. he's just gone" 

  

Capture Your Grief. Day 17. Time

Let me start this off by saying that time, in no way, heals all things. Time will not bring Ethan back to us.


Time... when I was in labour with Ethan they intermittently monitored his heart rate. They had no reason to constantly monitor it. Because I am no stranger to lawsuits, I obviously ordered my hospital records as soon as I could. Here is what I found:

2:07 a.m. - Ethan's heart rate was 133 bpm
2:19 a.m. - Ethan was delivered
2:48 a.m. - resuscitation attempts were stopped and Ethan's death was called

So, time? 12 minutes. Somewhere within 12 minutes, Ethan died and no one knew. It could have been right after his heart rate was taken, it could have been closer to when he was delivered... Some say 13 is an unlucky number, I say they are wrong, it's 12.

Capture Your Grief. Day 16. Seasons

Ethan was born and died on April 2, 2013. It was just beginning to become nice outside. And I was SO angry that nature was coming alive but my son was dead. I love the outdoors so that was pretty hard on me.

Mark and I went to the cottage one night, shortly after Ethan died, and there was a crazy flash freezing. It looked like the ice storm from back in college. There was ice on everything! And it felt, to me, like nature was taking a moment to remember Ethan. It was being still and honouring him.

Summer came and I love the heat so that was great.

But now fall is here. And the leaves are changing colour and beautiful, but then are falling and dying. And it's just sad. Here we are, going into another cold season, without our baby. Last year we had so much hope and happiness around this time. This year it's just cold.

Capture Your Grief. Day 15. Wave of Light.

All across the world, bereaved parents light a candle at 7:00 p.m., local time, on October 15 to honour their babies who have died. So for 24 hours, there is a wave of light...

PAIL Network coordinated with the people at Niagara Falls and the CN Tower.  The CN Tower was supposed to be lit up in blue, pink and white for this day.  Unfortunately, it wasn't.  It was random colours.

We met with a bunch of other bereaved parents at a park across the street from the CN Tower with our candles and honoured our babies.  I was so dismayed to be meeting at a park.  A park where all of our children should be playing together but never will.  

It was such a disorganized event, if you could even call it an event.  All around the world people lit candles at 7:00 p.m., but this event started at 8:00 p.m.  

We will not be going back next year.






I knew that this day existed because of our miscarriages and I have changed my facebook status in previous years. But since Ethan died, this day now seems even more important. And sad. But so important for awareness.

Some other baby loss mommas I know lit a candle for Ethan, or set up lanterns with his name on them.  So beautiful and yet so sad.

 

Capture Your Grief. Day 14. Family

Mark and I will always have an Ethan-sized hole in our family. He is our family. And he isn't here.  No matter if we have future children or not.  He will always be missing.  Always.  I wish that people could understand that.  That even though I write that on Facebook that people would let it sink in.  When my grandma died, she didn't stop being my grandma, or my mom's mom.  Ethan will always be my son.  He will always be part of our family.  And I will ALWAYS miss him.  In good times and in bad times.  He will always be missing.  It infuriates me that people don't get that.

As to the rest of my family... we all know that I have the world's best brother. Hearing my brother refer to Ethan as his nephew makes my heart sing. Having my brother tell me that he misses Ethan... again, World's Best Brother. And my parents are amazing too. They know that I am not a hands-on type griever. I like to be alone and they give me that space. But I also have the world's best auntie. My Aunt Frannie went to France and while there, she thought about Ethan! She got me that hand painted Ethan painting, along with a bunch of other amazing Ethan things...

And then there is my family who aren't technically my family... all of my amazing friends. My twitter friends, each of you has done something to help me through this horrible time.  I don't know where I would be if I didn't have you guys to talk to.  To have someone on call at all hours of the day from all around to world to cry to, bitch to, etc. You really are my family.

I am SO incredibly angry that my family will always be missing my handsome little guy. But I am so thankfully that "my family" is amazing.

 

 

A special thank you shout out to our amazing friends Jenny and Mike for giving us some Ethan stones.  They are one of our most treasured gifts and we love them.

Capture Your Grief. Day 13. Books.

Better late than never?

When Ethan first died and I felt good enough to leave the house, I went straight to the library and picked up as many books as I could on grief and baby loss. They helped me understand that every crazy thought and feeling I was having was absolutely normal. They taught me that I was not depressed, I was grieving and that was okay. I knew from reading them that as dark as the days were, there would be light again.

But the book I have chosen for this topic is a book called Curly from Shirley. It is a book that my amazing, talented cousin, Emma Pullar, wrote. Emma used to live in Christchurch, New Zealand, where all of those horrible earthquakes were. She wanted to help out so she wrote a children's book and all of the profits go to helping. I just read that it has raised over one million dollars!!

Emma mailed me this book when she heard about Ethan. In no way am I comparing a dead baby to an earthquake, but having the book and knowing that so many people went through such a ridiculously hard time helped.

The people of Christchurch are rebuilding. Or have rebuilt. And they will never be who they were before. Which is the exact same as Mark and I. We have to rebuild ourselves, our family. We will never be the same without Ethan. He was loved and so wanted. But we have to rebuild.