Where We Are Now (Drs etc)

I guess since I decided to share this blog I should put a little blurb about where we stand now with doctors and stuff.

We reviewed the autopsy report with our family doctor and he didn't have much to say about it... I even let my neighbour, who is in his 2nd or 3rd year of university but wants to be a doctor, review the autopsy report in the hopes that he may be able to decipher things! 

We have since made an appointment with our OB to go over the autopsy report, but not until the end of August... I wish we could be seen earlier, but what can ya do?  I really think that dead babies should take priority, but I guess I'm biased.

I saw a rheumatologist and she is referring me to another rheumatologist who is also an OB over at Mt. Sinai (that's a hospital in Toronto that is well known for their high risk department).  So that's a good step.  But, they aren't booking new patients until OCTOBER!  That seems like an eternity away!

So, now it's just a bunch of waiting.  Even if we wanted to TTC (try to conceive), we'll have to wait until we see the specialist at Mt. Sinai.  I guess it's a good thing, but if you know me at all, I don't even know what the word "patience" means, let along possess any of it!!

Stroller

The other day I was reading one of my friend's posts about their beautiful daughter, Lila.  This was a post by Lila's Dad, Mike.  In the post he talks about how his mornings should be, not how they are.  And he mentions that he should be taking Lila out in her Bob stroller for a run. 

We have the exact same stroller!  And I remember doing so much research on strollers and jogging strollers v. normal strollers.  We finally decided on the Bob and the orange colour because it was nice and bright.  We loved that stroller.

Then we went to go and check them out in person.  And as luck would have it, the stroller happened to be on sale!  We saved over $200 on it and they even threw in a free rain cover or something.  We thought we were so blessed. 

The stroller was non-refundable but that didn't bother us in the least because we just knew "the baby" (we didn't know that Ethan was a boy at the time) would love it as much as we did.

Now it just sits in our nursery... alone.

Intrauterine Fetal Death, Definitive Cause Not Determined

Well, we got the Final Autopsy Report from Sick Kids.  And sure enough, just as we feared, "Definitive Cause Not Determined".  They don't know why Ethan died.  They do know a little bit, like that he suffered oxygen loss and was exposed to Group B Strep, but neither of those were the cause of death.

What does the Autopsy say?

The Autopsy does say that his eyes were grey. 

The Autopsy does say that he had light brown hair. 

The Autopsy does say that he was 52 cm long from crown to heel, which is 20.5 inches. 

The Autopsy does say that he had a single transverse crease on his right palm.  

The Autopsy does say that he had 12 ribs on each side.

Which means that Ethan had Mark's bum chin, my nose and my eyes.  Like it's a competition.  Who he looked more like.  Damn, I wish we could watch him grow and compare properly.

Besides that, the Autopsy report might as well be in another language.  We really need someone to go over it with us.  Our family doctor didn't really know how to read it that well.  And my OB would only see me during the day, not after hours, and there is NO WAY I could stand to be in a waiting room full of happy, pregnant ladies.

So, now the search is on to find someone to go over this with us. 

Existence

I saw an article that caught my eye recently about existence.  And it made me start thinking about the things I do to prove Ethan existed.  I have my memories, but memories are always failing.  What else is there?  Well, I have a giant blanket with his "headshot" up in our tv room and in our bedroom.  I have pictures of him all over.  I keep his picture on my phone.  

But what about the other things?  For a while after he was delivered, I, like all the other baby mommas, produced milk.  I know from talking to a lot of people that this really frustrates and saddens people.  The milk should be going to a baby.  We all should be nursing.  It's really not fair.  It's the worst thing in the world to lose a baby, but then all the other crap that comes along with it is like a huge punch in the face.  Anyways, I kind of liked when my milk came in.  Not the initial engorged and hard as a rock, painful time, but the little leaks here and there.  I almost saw it as my boobies were crying over the loss of Ethan too.  But the biggest reason why I didn't mind it was because it verified his existence.

Other BLMs (baby loss mommas) I talk to have things they hold on to, like the baby weight, so I know I'm not crazy!

We also have a blanket that Ethan was wrapped in.  And we sleep with it every night.

It's insane how much we miss him.  Argh.

He did exist.  And now, he lives forever in my heart.

Funny, not haha funny but...

This morning I made myself some eggs for breakfast.  I had a flashback to when I was pregnant with Ethan.  Actually, it was a flashback to many times while I was pregnant with Ethan.  My dad and I fought every single time we'd have breakfast together, mostly at the cottage, because I wanted my eggs overcooked so as to not harm the baby.

I made sure to follow ALL of the rules.  I was so paranoid from the other miscarriages that I didn't want to chance anything.  For the first three months, my naturopath had me not drink anything but water, eat so well.  I did everything that I was supposed to do.  Everything.

Funny, all that and Ethan was born without vital signs.

The only good thing about me doing everything right is that I have no guilt.  I know that I didn't do anything wrong.

Autopsy

I know that everyone is deemed equally important, but when a baby dies, and the Chief of Obstetrics, the Chief of Pediatrics and countless other doctors have absolutely no idea why, the autopsy should get to the front of the stack.

All unknown cases of death should take priority.

It's been three months since Ethan died.  Three months today, he had an autopsy done.  I know because we have the initial report back and it's dated.  So why is it taking so long to do the full report?

How the hell can we ever even try to move along in our lives, not get over it because we will NEVER ever get over losing our first born, if we don't know what happened to him.

How can it be that he was fine inside of my womb, but have no vital signs outside?

Argh!

So, yesterday was the three month mark.  And it was just as hard as I expected it would be.  I cannot get over that it has been three months since I had my baby.  Three months, less a week, since I've held him.  How can this be?  Why me?

Hearing about how other people are so tired because their baby keeps them up all night is infuriating me.  I would die to have one night with Ethan.  Since it was such a struggle for us to get and stay pregnant, I never once complained about any of my annoying pregnancy symptoms, from the all day morning sickness to the heartburn, lack of sleep, hip pain... it was all worth it because I was going to be bringing home my baby.  

I don't care about anything anymore.  I don't want to go to support group tonight because what's the point?  It's not going to bring him back.