Thursday 16 February 2017

Mommy Guilt

So many times we hear about mommy guilt. How we, as mothers, feel like we are failing our children for usually the most ridiculous reasons from a logical standpoint.

Mommy guilt does not go away when you child dies. In fact, sometimes the death of your child exemplifies that guilt.

I went to the viewing of my friend's father who recently passed. Never even mind the obvious triggers - another post for another day. The funeral room was covered in flowers. Covered. I have never seen so many flowers in my life. This man was very loved and so many people are sad.

Likewise, my child was loved by so many. Everyone was looking forward to meeting him or her (we didn't know).

And then he died.

And as you do in life, we made the conscious decision not to invite anyone to his funeral. Not to provide the funeral details to anyone. We felt like it was the best thing for him. We wanted to protect him and that was our choice as parents.

But he was dead.

Staring at all of these flowers really got to me. So many people loved this man. So many people showed their love. We didn't give Ethan that. We kept him to ourselves. I even barely let anyone else hold him. There were only 3 bouquets of flowers at the funeral home - 2 from my parents and one from my husband's work.

Did we do the wrong thing? Did he deserve better? Does he deserve better? Should we have let people, in the least, send flowers?

Logically, I don't even like flowers. But logic doesn't rule. I had a something along the lines of a mini panic attack. I am one of the lucky ones who has found an amazing friend with a similar history. Like an alcoholic calling their sponsor, I called her right away and she was able to talk me off the ledge.

Mommy guilt. It gets you even when your child is dead.