Mother's Day 2017

This is my fifth mother's day.
This is my fifth mother's day without my son.
This is my fifth mother's day without my son who made me a mother.

How do you celebrate that? How do you honour your own motherhood when the one who made you a mum is dead and gone?

This is also my third mother's day. My third mother's day with my living child. My heart, my soul, my entire reason for living.

It is such a confusing, contradictory day. I am so happy to have my living child who calls me "mum mum" every day. I am so devastated that the one who made me a mum will never call me, ever.

My family is always missing a special piece. Until my sweet heart is old enough to fully do her own cards, hubby always writes "💜 c & e"... How am I going to feel when she picks out her own card and signs her own name?

He made me a mum. And nothing, not even death, can take that away.

Bereaved Mother's Day

This is a stupid day. A stupid "holiday". Stupid recognition. I don't want to "celebrate" it. I just want to be a normal mother. I don't want to be a bereaved mother. I hate it. I did not want to particpate in this year's theme. Putting your hand on your heart, showing the world where you carry your dead child. But how could I not? How do I skip a chance to talk about my son? To show the world that he is still important to me, that he still has my heart.

I hate today. And I hate that my son is dead. But he is dead. And this day can celebrate the fact that I am not, despite wishing I was. I survived the worst. I can live for the best.

Ethan will always be in my heart. My forever love.