Today

I am very behind on my Capture Your Grief photos on my blog.  I have been uploading them to Facebook.  I feel like they will do more good there.  They will explain to my IRL friends how I'm feeling.  I will update them to here shortly.  Hopefully over the weekend.

Today DH and I both have headaches, probably because of the crazy weather.  It's so cold and damp.  I already miss the summer

I am in the middle of making breakfast for him (yes, I realize it's the afternoon).  And some Madonna song came on and I did a bit of a kitchen dance.  Only to realize that I was alone and doing a kitchen dance... that must mean I have forgotten about Ethan right?  Cue the tears.  Then I remember that I was pregnant with Ethan when I went to the Madonna concert.  It was a pretty racey concert (Madonna, racey, no way!) and I told the baby to put on its earmuffs for some songs... I am happy Ethan's life was full of love and music but I would do anything to have him here.

So then I'm over crying but I'm still feeling sad.  And Michael Buble's "Just Haven't Met You Yet" song comes on.  And I know that is a song that our friends used to sing or relate to their gorgeous baby girl who also didn't make it.

Then after that song, some other song comes on about not being able to survive.

I wish that I could explain to people who haven't gone through this just how hard it is.  How almost every little thing reminds us of what we should, but don't have.

I can picture Ethan sitting in his bumbo or another thing, watching me make his daddy breakfast... I so wish he was here.

Capture Your Grief. Day 12. Article.

I don't have any specific article in mind.  I think almost all of the articles that Still Standing Magazine posts are relevant.  You can check them out on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/StillStandingMAG.

Capture Your Grief. Day 11. Triggers.

When you do not have your baby in your arms, every single second of every single day is a trigger.  But you learn to live with it.  You learn how to live without what should be.  And at the beginning, you don't think you'll ever make it out of the darkness.  But slowly, you do.

But then there are the triggers.  The things that catch you off guard.  And there are so many.  And they deserve listing.  Because unless you have lived this hell, you can't even imagine just how many things will bother you.

As I thought about triggers on October 12th... keep in mind that I am still a few days behind on this whole thing...

We were walking to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and walked into people doing a Breast Cancer Walk.  Last year we did a breast cancer walk and that is where I told the majority of my coworkers that I was pregnant.  And we had planned on doing the walk this year, with the baby. 

Then when we got to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, they put a wristband on me and I almost lost it.  I was pretty hysterical.  It was like having the hospital wristband on and it was horrible.  I started freaking out and we almost left... But thankfully, I have the world's best husband and he was able to calm me down.  Ahh, PTSD, if I didn't think I suffered from you before...

The list below was written by Erica Pacey, who delivered her handsome son Mason on January 6th, 2013 at 37.5 weeks.  Mason was 7lbs 3oz and was 21" long...  I have deleted some of her comments that didn't apply to us:

"Things that Sting

~ Hearing the monitors of the baby in the next room's heartbeat
~ Hearing that baby cry when it enters this world
~ Calling your 'when baby arrives call list' to tell them 'he didn't make it' and hearing them gasp and cry
~ Seeing your baby's family & family friends breaking from the inside out while holding their nephew
~ Handing over your baby to the nurses knowing you will never see him again
~ Leaving the hospital with an empty car seat
~ Walking into your home with empty arms
~ Seeing a baby swing and playpen in your living room that are waiting for a baby that isn't coming home
~ Having a home being decorated in sympathy cards and flowers
~ When your milk comes in to feed your baby that isn't with you
~ Seeing your first pregnant woman
~ Seeing your first living baby
~ Listening to parents of young children complain of the woes of parenthood
~ Receiving baby coupons and formula samples in the mail
~ Picking out a casket for your baby - Thankfully our funeral director took care of that
~ Picking out an urn for your baby - we haven't done this yet, nothing seems good enough for Ethan so his ashes are just in the little plastic box from the crematorium
~ Knowing what time your baby is being cremated
~ Picking up your baby's ashes from the funeral home
~ Picking a place to put your baby's urn
~ Waking up after a dream where you were with your baby again
~ Going grocery shopping for the first time since saying goodbye to your baby and remembering all the things you loved to eat while pregnant
~ Hearing people say 'he is in a better place' or 'God needed another angel'
~ Losing control of yourself and your life
~ Watching life go on without you for awhile
~ Meeting other women and men that have experienced the same loss and realizing you can't be ignorant anymore
~ Being a statistic
~ Being told you have post traumatic stress syndrome, post partum depression and high level anxiety
~ Seeing people's pity face
~ Hearing people's pity voice
~ Receiving your baby's death certificate in the mail
~ Not receiving your baby's birth certificate in the mail
~ Being asked 'where is your baby?' in an excited voice
~ Feeling guilty when you hear yourself laughing for the first time in months
~ Realizing if you had just had your baby a day earlier he would be here
~ Watching babies that are the same age as your baby would have been growing, laughing, learning and doing 'firsts'
~ Hearing through the grapevine why someone 'thinks' your baby died
~ Seeing the clock hit 4:46pm or 11am - for us it is 2:19 a.m.
~ Sundays remind you of the day you met your baby - for us it's Tuesdays
~ Mondays remind you of the day you last held your baby - for us it's Tuesdays
~ Thursdays remind you of the day you picked up your baby's ashes from the funeral home - Sundays
~ Days that you lose hope
~ Dusting a crib, dresser, stroller, but not picking up toys
~ Seeing tags hanging from baby clothes in your baby's closet
~ Accidentally opening the cupboard containing the baby bottles and sterilizer while looking for something
~ Seeing a book called 'baby's first year' sitting on your baby's bookshelf with nothing written in it
~ Watching your partner watching his first football game of the season without his son
~ watching parents unload strollers and babies from their cars numerous times a day when the view from your home is a huge parking lot - or at the store, or anywhere else
~ hearing your baby's first name being said on tv shows, commercials, NHL games, etc.
~ watching your partner cry, long for his baby and hurt"

But wait, there's more!

~ the second of each and every month
~ 2:22 a.m. when I knew, 4 minutes into them doing CPR, intubating Ethan and giving him 2 IVs that 4 minutes was far too long for him not to be breathing
~ emails from friends asking if they can come and meet the baby
~ phone calls from health professionals asking if I'm getting any sleep yet
~ seeing cute onsies in stores and not being able to buy them
~ feeling like you can't go down certain aisles at stores
~ not being able to sleep, not because your baby is crying all night, but because your baby didn't get to cry 

I am sure I am forgetting some as there are so many... I'll update the list as I think of them.
 

Capture Your Grief. Day 10. Beliefs.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, I was so worried that we would have yet another miscarriage.  Every single time I was worried, one of us would see a rainbow.  And I really did believe it was a sign that everything would be okay.  In fact, we saw so many reassuring rainbows that we decided the baby's middle name would be Rayne or Raine...

Then Ethan died.

And then I find out that a baby born after the loss of a pregnancy is called a "rainbow baby".

Ethan was supposed to be our rainbow baby.  Even before we knew what a rainbow baby was.

But Ethan died.  

So what am I supposed to believe?

Capture Your Grief. Day 9. Music

Having a dad as a musician, we always knew the baby's life would be full of music.  We had even planned on having the baby's newborn pictures done on Mark's drums!!  And even though we only got 41 weeks and 4 days with Ethan, his short life WAS full of music.

Ethan went to a few concerts.  He went to Madonna!  He went to Weezer.  He went to Xavier Rudd.  

He must have been a little confused with the eclectic music tastes between his parents.  I think that Ethan's favourite music was rock.  Because, as I have said before, Ethan was so much like his daddy. Almost every time rock music was on, he would dance around.  And I just felt better listening to it.

At Ethan's funeral, there was instrumental background music on a loop.  There was a song by a Christian band called Delirious?  The song is called I Could Sing of Your Love Forever.  The chorus repeats "I could sing of your love forever" over and over and over again.  And it is beautiful.  It is my song to Ethan.

For Mark, his song is Gone Away by The Offspring...

Capture Your Grief. Day 8. Colour.

Oh grief.  You try to knock me down so many ways every day.  But when it comes to colour, you jerk, I have you fooled.

Grief has made me appreciate my surroundings.  A lot more.  It has literally made me stop and smell the roses.  And appreciate all of the beauty and colours that are nature.

Capture Your Grief. Day 7. You Now

I am still a little behind on updating my Capture Your Grief challenge.  Today is the 9th and I'm only on day 7.  I am going to try to catch up.

The reason that I am behind is that I went up north for the weekend.  And I thought about doing the challenge there but then didn't.  Instead I enjoyed the company, I enjoyed the beautiful fall colours, I enjoyed life.  And you know what?  I did not feel that guilty!  

I quite often feel like I bring people down when I talk about Ethan.  So I try to make jokes in between.  But I didn't this time.  Speaking of him, his story, my pregnancy, just came naturally.  And while it was sad, it didn't break me.  And while I would give anything under the sun to have him with me, I know that it is not going to happen.  He isn't going to magically appear just because I beg, cry, pray, scream, wish, hope, etc.

Which brings me to "You Now".  When I originally thought of this topic, I had a lot of images running through my mind.  I had settled on about getting a picture of me and ripping it into a bunch of pieces. 

But I think now, 6+ months on, I have a little bit more peace with things.  One of my amazing friends told me of her sister's passing and that one day, she just found peace in it. And I think that I'm almost at that point now.  

I'm not there yet.  I'm not where I was before or even who I was before.  I don't think I will ever be.  But I am mostly me again, just a bit of a different version.  I will always be sad and I will always miss my son.  But it does not consume me anymore.

So for today's picture, instead of just ripping the picture of me into a bunch of pieces, I have taped them back together.  Some pieces are not in the right position and some are held together by the tiniest piece of tape.  But I am mostly whole.  And Ethan is covering every single part of my body.  Because he is with me always.  He is in every breath I take.  He is in every laugh, every tear.  Every heart beat.

But I couldn't find any pictures of me.  And I am a wonderful artist so please, no haters...

Capture Your Grief. Day 6. Ritual.

Much like I don't like the idea of grief having a legacy, I don't like the thought of grief creating any rituals.  But I suppose it is all interwoven, isn't it?  Without grief, I wouldn't feel the need to create a legacy for Ethan.  Without grief, we wouldn't need any rituals.

Our most important ritual?

Before we go anywhere at all, the cottage for the weekend, a road trip, to friends' houses, etc., we make sure that we have put Ethan's remains, and everything else that is priceless (my positive pregnancy test, ultrasound pictures, the gift we gave out at my shower, the measuring tape marking his head size and length, his footprints, his handprints, the cremation certificate) into our fire proof safe.  

Sounds a bit strange, putting ashes into a fireproof safe. But I really don't know if I could handle it if anything happened to "him".  I know that it's not really him, but it is all we have left of him.

We always expected that the baby would mean that we had to change our pre-trip planning, but we never imagined it to be like this.

 

Capture Your Grief. Day 5. Memory.

So many memories, how do you chose?

Ethan loved the heat.  I think it's because when I was around 18 or 19 weeks we went on a cruise to the Eastern Caribbean.  It was SO hot down there.  But also so awesome.  And I think Ethan learned to love the heat there.

One of my favourite memories of Ethan was in Niagara Falls. We usually go to Niagara Falls (or Buffalo) on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas in Niagara.  We bring our little Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and set it up in our room.  This past year, we got a special ornament for our tree ... 

As usual, we got a room with a big jetted bathtub.  At one point, I was just relaxing in the tub.  A nice warm tub!  Mark happened to look at me and at that exact same time, Ethan moved.  Ethan's movement was so big that the water in the tub moved like a giant wave.  It was the first time Mark had seen Ethan move.  And it was the coolest thing in the world.  Ethan waved at us!  I'm sure he was saying hello and letting us know how happy he was that he was in the warmth again.

Damn, I miss that little guy.

Capture Your Grief. Day 4. Legacy

I hate to think that grief leaves a legacy. I would like to think of it as Ethan's legacy.  A wise man taught me that you can do your baby proud by doing things in their name and creating their legacy.

The most important legacy of all of Ethan's is to cherish what you have. 

Cherish the time you have with your children, your spouse, your parents, grandparents, your friends, etc. You never know how long you have with any of them. 

Say I love you, often. Sadly, people will come and go but love never dies.

Ethan will always be My Forever Love.

Capture Your Grief. Day 3. Myths

I was having a hard time figuring out what to do for this topic of myths.  There are so many "what not to say" things.... but myths.  That were a reflection of my grief.  So I started thinking about what people say that drive me mental.  

I was thinking to do something about time.  

There is no time in the world that will make me over Ethan's death.  

But I think the most common thing I get is "x would be a good distraction for you".  Going to that party, not going to distract me.  Getting drunk, not going to distract me.  Going up north to the cottage, not going to distract me.  Playing candy crush, the BEST game ever, not going to distract me.

I think about Ethan every minute of every day.  And if by some crazy chance I have not thought about him for just one second, my tattoo is there to remind me of him.  And of what I don't have.

I should have a 6 month old.  I should just be experiencing a night of peaceful sleep.  I should be pushing a stroller around my neighbourhood, trying to figure out how to work the stroller while picking up after my dog.

There is nothing that will distract me from Ethan.

Capture Your Grief. Day 2. Identity

Since Ethan has died, I find that I am really struggling with my identity.  I know that I am a wife, a friend, a daughter.  But I sometimes always struggle with the mom part.  I know that I am a bereaved parent.  I know that I carried Ethan for 41 weeks and 4 days.  I know that I went through labour and delivered an 8 pound, 8 ounce, 20.5 inches baby boy, who was so perfect and handsome, just like his Daddy.  I can call my husband Ethan's Daddy.  So why do I question if I am a Mother?

 

Capture Your Grief - Day 1. Sunrise.

I am participating in a month long event called Capture Your Grief.

You take pictures of topics for each day in October. I will try to post a link to the event with tomorrow's post.

Today's topic was Sunrise.

I tried to get up early to watch the sunrise but it didn't work out too well for me.  I blame grief!

So here is the picture out of my bedroom window this morning. The light is from a street light. 

6 Months

Six months ago, to the very hour, we left the house for the hospital.  I was in labour and in so much pain but I was so excited to finally meet our baby.

I still can't believe that we came home empty handed, with the exception of some footprints, handprints,  a lock of hair, some pictures and broken hearts.

I almost feel like I am numb. I don't really feel how I did at any of the other milestones yet it's almost 1am and I can't sleep.

I just miss Ethan so much. He was the cutest baby ever and I'm so angry that I don't get to watch him grow.

I think Ethan has forever changed me, whether for good or bad, I don't know.  

Tomorrow's topic for Capture Your Grief is "identity" and I feel like I have lost mine.