Friday 9 August 2013

Ho hum

Thanks to the amazing power of social media and my ability to "creep" on facebook, I have found out that the last person that I was pregnant with has had her baby.  That makes 10 healthy babies, 10 happy families, 10 tired mommas.  Then there is me.  No healthy baby.  Devastated family.  Exhaustion so intense that I doubt I can get out of bed some days.  

I am happy that these 10 other mommas are not living my life.  It is so great that their babies are growing and crying and laughing and giggling.  But it is just so ridiculous that Ethan isn't here.  It's not fair and I hate it.  I would give up my life to let him has his.  Obviously.  Every mom feels that way.  I would also do anything to spend another minute with him.  I would also gladly give up my life to see him look at me, to see his smile.

I hate living without him.  This is not how things were supposed to be.  I know life never goes as you plan it but come on!  this is just ridiculous.

Now one of my twitter friends, who has struggled with fertility issues and who has already heard her baby's heartbeat is on the road to losing her baby.  I am so deeply sad for her.  And there is nothing that anyone can do for her but try to love her and assure her that she isn't alone on this horrible thing.

I would like to know what the hell is wrong with the world?  People spend money researching shark migration so surfers don't get killed but there is hardly any money spent in researching why BABIES die?  What about all of us moms who are dead on the inside, who have had our souls ripped out?  Why don't they research us?  Why don't they find ways to identify those babies with their cords wrapped around their necks and do something about it?  Why don't they find ways to help people who's placentas have come off?  Why didn't they know that Ethan was dying right at the same time he was supposed to be born?

Thursday 8 August 2013

Little Reminders

I say it often.  There are always little reminders of what should be. 

There are the giant reminders... empty nursery, empty arms, babies in carseats, pregnant ladies... those are obvious.

But it's the little reminders.  They catch me off guard.  Usually ruin my day.

Yesterday I was waiting for a friend on the end of the driveway and started talking to the recycling guy.  He mentioned how he likes his job and it's done him well.  Then went on to tell me that since he's been at his job, he's got married and now has a young family.  WELL GOOD FOR YOU!  A little reminder of what I don't have.  A seemingly innocent conversation about recycling turns into a painful conversation.

I hate it.

Friday 2 August 2013

Four Months & It's Raining

August 2, 2013.  Ethan should be four months old today.  I should be marvelling in how such a little guy can do so much.  Smile, cry, coo, want me, need me.  Instead, again, I'm trying to figure out how now four months has passed.  Marvelling at how much this little guy means to me.  How I would still do anything to have him back, even for one minute.  I miss holding him.  

I've learned some things in these past four months.  Many things.  One of them is to appreciate the smaller things in life.  The things that can bring happiness, if only for a mere second.  

Today I mowed the lawn.  Did the back first and just as I was finishing up the front, it started to trickle rain.  I just missed a torrential downpour!  Great.  And I smile.

But just a millisecond later I cry.  Because it was raining, hard.  And it was beautiful and refreshing after mowing the lawn but Ethan will never ever get to feel the rain on his head.  He won't be able to smile or curse at it.  And that makes me sad.  So I write this entry, soaking wet because I'm trying not to take anything for granted.  Not the little things, not the fact that I beat the rain, and not even the ability to feel the rain on my head, on my face... 

I just miss him.  So, so badly.

Thursday 1 August 2013

A Day in My "New" Life...

So ya wanna know how I'm doing?

Today I went to Ikea with my mom.  

I see a very pregnant woman.  I immediately HATE HER GUTS.  Then I feel bad for her.  Because I was a very pregnant woman just a few months ago.  And I had two very early losses before I was pregnant with Ethan.  So maybe she is like me, like the 1 in 4 women, who have suffered a pregnancy loss.  Then I feel guilty for being such a jerk and hating this women that I don't even know.  But then I hate her again.  Because chances are, she will be delivering her perfect little baby shortly.  The one that has been with her every single day for 9+ months.  The one she knows and feels and loves with a love that you can't even explain.  And I'm so angry that I didn't get to keep Ethan.  But then I think that there is a slim chance that she won't get to keep her baby.  And I feel so bad for her.  And I feel so bad for me.  And so incredibly sad.  A deep longing within my soul cries out for Ethan.  And nothing will ever be able to fill that void but Ethan.  So then I feel sad and bad and guilty and there's a huge lump in my throat because I'm teetering on the edge of throwing things and bawling my eyes out...

Then there is another pregnant woman, and the same cycle repeats in my head.  But then there is another and another.  It's like all of the pregnant women of the City of Toronto decided to go shopping at Ikea.  And they are following me around and surrounding me.  It's like a bad zombie movie... except for instead of zombies chasing after brains, it's pregnant women, chasing after the bereaved mother.   And I'm overwhelmed and just need to escape. 

But of course, I'm at Ikea, so it's not as easy as just ducking out.  Of course, in addition to the pregnant women, I pass by a bunch of babies... the ones in the car seat, I know they could be Ethan's age.  And I scout them out everywhere I go.  I have to find them so I know they are there and they can't sneak up on me like little ninjas with baby sized nunchucks to throw at my already broken heart.  So I do, I scout them out.  Then I ignore them with all the strength I can muster.  That is, after I have had a sneaky little peak at them to make sure they aren't Ethan.  Because you never know... maybe miracles do happen and maybe he is alive somewhere, just not with me because of a bad dream, or something else just as ridiculous.  

And of course being strong only lasts so long.  Yes, I have my mom there with me but I don't have my Ethan.  And to top off my already horrible Ikea trip, as we are leaving, finally escaping the plethora of pregnant women and babies, we have to go through the baby section of the store!!  And there are cute things everywhere that I know Ethan would have loved.

Then as we were checking out, there was a very pregnant woman, with another woman who had a very new baby.  Queue the floodgate of tears.

And I'm so uncontrollably upset that I don't care that I'm in public.  I don't care that I'm an ugly crier.  I don't care about anything or anyone.  I feel like I can't breathe and I just want Ethan back.