But then there are the triggers. The things that catch you off guard. And there are so many. And they deserve listing. Because unless you have lived this hell, you can't even imagine just how many things will bother you.
As I thought about triggers on October 12th... keep in mind that I am still a few days behind on this whole thing...
We were walking to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and walked into people doing a Breast Cancer Walk. Last year we did a breast cancer walk and that is where I told the majority of my coworkers that I was pregnant. And we had planned on doing the walk this year, with the baby.
Then when we got to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, they put a wristband on me and I almost lost it. I was pretty hysterical. It was like having the hospital wristband on and it was horrible. I started freaking out and we almost left... But thankfully, I have the world's best husband and he was able to calm me down. Ahh, PTSD, if I didn't think I suffered from you before...
The list below was written by Erica Pacey, who delivered her handsome son Mason on January 6th, 2013 at 37.5 weeks. Mason was 7lbs 3oz and was 21" long... I have deleted some of her comments that didn't apply to us:
"Things that Sting
~ Hearing the monitors of the baby in the next room's heartbeat
~ Hearing that baby cry when it enters this world
~ Calling your 'when baby arrives call list' to tell them 'he didn't make it' and hearing them gasp and cry
~ Seeing your baby's family & family friends breaking from the inside out while holding their nephew
~ Handing over your baby to the nurses knowing you will never see him again
~ Leaving the hospital with an empty car seat
~ Walking into your home with empty arms
~ Seeing a baby swing and playpen in your living room that are waiting for a baby that isn't coming home
~ Having a home being decorated in sympathy cards and flowers
~ When your milk comes in to feed your baby that isn't with you
~ Seeing your first pregnant woman
~ Seeing your first living baby
~ Listening to parents of young children complain of the woes of parenthood
~ Receiving baby coupons and formula samples in the mail
~ Picking out a casket for your baby - Thankfully our funeral director took care of that
~ Picking out an urn for your baby - we haven't done this yet, nothing seems good enough for Ethan so his ashes are just in the little plastic box from the crematorium
~ Knowing what time your baby is being cremated
~ Picking up your baby's ashes from the funeral home
~ Picking a place to put your baby's urn
~ Waking up after a dream where you were with your baby again
~ Going grocery shopping for the first time since saying goodbye to your baby and remembering all the things you loved to eat while pregnant
~ Hearing people say 'he is in a better place' or 'God needed another angel'
~ Losing control of yourself and your life
~ Watching life go on without you for awhile
~ Meeting other women and men that have experienced the same loss and realizing you can't be ignorant anymore
~ Being a statistic
~ Being told you have post traumatic stress syndrome, post partum depression and high level anxiety
~ Seeing people's pity face
~ Hearing people's pity voice
~ Receiving your baby's death certificate in the mail
~ Not receiving your baby's birth certificate in the mail
~ Being asked 'where is your baby?' in an excited voice
~ Feeling guilty when you hear yourself laughing for the first time in months
~ Realizing if you had just had your baby a day earlier he would be here
~ Watching babies that are the same age as your baby would have been growing, laughing, learning and doing 'firsts'
~ Hearing through the grapevine why someone 'thinks' your baby died
~ Seeing the clock hit 4:46pm or 11am - for us it is 2:19 a.m.
~ Sundays remind you of the day you met your baby - for us it's Tuesdays
~ Mondays remind you of the day you last held your baby - for us it's Tuesdays
~ Thursdays remind you of the day you picked up your baby's ashes from the funeral home - Sundays
~ Days that you lose hope
~ Dusting a crib, dresser, stroller, but not picking up toys
~ Seeing tags hanging from baby clothes in your baby's closet
~ Accidentally opening the cupboard containing the baby bottles and sterilizer while looking for something
~ Seeing a book called 'baby's first year' sitting on your baby's bookshelf with nothing written in it
~ Watching your partner watching his first football game of the season without his son
~ watching parents unload strollers and babies from their cars numerous times a day when the view from your home is a huge parking lot - or at the store, or anywhere else
~ hearing your baby's first name being said on tv shows, commercials, NHL games, etc.
~ watching your partner cry, long for his baby and hurt"
But wait, there's more!
~ the second of each and every month
~ 2:22 a.m. when I knew, 4 minutes into them doing CPR, intubating Ethan and giving him 2 IVs that 4 minutes was far too long for him not to be breathing
~ emails from friends asking if they can come and meet the baby
~ phone calls from health professionals asking if I'm getting any sleep yet
~ seeing cute onsies in stores and not being able to buy them
~ feeling like you can't go down certain aisles at stores
~ not being able to sleep, not because your baby is crying all night, but because your baby didn't get to cry
I am sure I am forgetting some as there are so many... I'll update the list as I think of them.
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