Intention

My intention for this year's Capture you Grief project is to spend more time with Ethan. As time goes on, he gets further and further away from me and it hurts my heart. I intend on spending some time every day with him - whatever that means. Whether it is talking to him, or about him, thinking about his handsome face, remembering all of his features and how he felt in my arms. Whatever it is each day. Hopefully I can turn it into an every day thing. Even if it's only 5 minutes out of the day.
Now this isn't to say I am not thinking about him because I do. Every single day. But I need to feel near to him. I don't ever want him to just be a memory. He is my son. My first born. My forever love.

Sunrise

I didn't wake up for the sunrise on day 1. I meant to but C was sick so we slept in. I remember missing it last year too. And the year before. I can't believe this is my third October / my third Thanksgiving without my son. Ugh.

Instead of a sunrise I posted a tree with its leaves changing. I figured sunrise is the start of a new day like the leaves changing is the start of a new season.

I hope this season sees me able to spend more time with my son. I have said it before, C is all encompassing. My life is her. But she is getting older and requires a bit less hands on attention.

I don't remember the sunrise on the day Ethan was born. I don't even remember if my hospital room had a window. I guess when you go to the hospital expecting to finally meet your baby but then he dies and you don't get to bring him home,  it makes details a bit fuzzy.

I do know that now I appreciate sunrises  (and sunsets) a lot more than I used to. I stop and look at the beauty of nature.

I also can't believe that my son died but the sun still rises. My world came crashing down but everything else kept on going, like a normal day.

I'm a bit all over the place today. These are just my random thoughts on the sunrise.

Capture Your Grief 2015

I first participated in Capture Your Grief the year that Ethan died (well, obviously).

Last year I planned on it, but was so busy with a 3 month old Chloe that I just didn't get around to it.

This year, with a 15 month Chloe, I think I will be able to participate again. I will try.

Baby boy

I held a baby boy today. And it was just a random acquaintance's baby boy. Not a good friend's baby that I love. Just a random baby boy. It was tough. But I did it. And survived.
Fuck, I miss Ethan.

Capture Your Grief 2014

I haven't posted on here in a long time. Much has changed since I last did.

Near the end of October 2013, I found out I was pregnant with Ethan's little brother or sister. I did not want to talk about my pregnancy and hid it from everyone for as long as I could. It was terrifying, thinking about going through another whole pregnancy then another baby dying. So I stayed quiet.

Well, Ethan has a little sister now. She is happy and healthy and perfect and most importantly alive. So she has been keeping me quite busy.

I decided it would be a good idea to participate in this year's Capture Your Grief. It will be interesting to see where I have come from last year when the pain of losing Ethan was so fresh and so raw.

What You Need to Know

What you need to know is that when my baby died, a large chunk of me died with him and my life will never be the same.
 
What you need to know is that I am not the same person I was before Ethan died and I never will be.  I'm sorry if that upsets you.  I'm sorry if it means I am not the same friend, family member, coworker, etc.  I get that you want "the old Mel" back, but she is gone.     
 
What you need to know is that my entire outlook on life has changed.  I no longer hope for the best.  I no longer hope.  I am not oblivious to the hurt and the massive injustice in this world.  Bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen for no reason.
 
What you need to know is that any positivity I may have had died with Ethan.  Being positive does not bring a positive outcome.  I was such a happy positive pregnant person with Ethan.  Even when a team of 8+ doctors were working on my son, trying to revive him, I still stayed positive.  Not even for one second did I think my son would not be coming home with me.  They called a Code Pink over the loudspeaker and I was still positive.  I was positive and he died.
 
What you need to know is that every single day of my life since Ethan died has been a challenge.  Every single day.  I wake up and he isn't with me.  I go to work instead of being on maternity leave.  I have empty arms, an empty crib and a massive hole in my heart.  If I had lost my leg, instead of my son, you would see this.  Instead you just see me and don't understand that I am missing him, with every breath I take.
 
What you need to know is that birthday celebrations hurt so badly.  I'm sorry that while you are celebrating another birthday in the boardroom, I cannot join you. I am hidden away in the bathroom, crying. I did not get to celebrate my son's first birthday with him. Nor will we ever be able to celebrate his birthday.  There may come a time when I am able to, but that time is not now.
 
What you need to know is that some days are better than others.  Some rainy days make me happy because nature is at one with my grey mood.  Some rainy days make me sad because Ethan will never feel the rain on his face.  Every single day bring a different challenge.  Some are easier to deal with that others.  Time does not heal anything. Time just teaches you skills to cope with the pain better. Again, if I had lost my leg, would you tell me that it will heal with time? No, because that is ridiculous. So is telling me that time will make things better. Time will not bring Ethan back. 
 
What you need to know is that there are painful triggers everywhere.  Some of them are obvious, Ethan's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, basically any holiday.  Some of them just come out of no where and knock the wind of out me.  Today Sick Kids has taken out a huge ad in the Star claiming "every child deserves to be healthy and happy".  Damn right.  But sadly Sick Kids, that is not the case. 
 
What you need to know is that my grief brings with it physical symptoms.  This Sick Kids ad has got my heart racing, a huge lump in my throat, I feel like I can't breathe.  Symptoms almost like a mild anxiety or panic attack.
 
What you need to know is that you need to be patient with me.  I understand if you can't.  I understand that it makes you uncomfortable.  But just think for a second how I must feel. 
 
What you need to know is that I have loved my son since I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test and I will love him and miss him until the day I die.  There is no timeline on grief.  There is no limit on love.   

April 1, 2013

This time last year I was waiting for my husband to come home from work to take me to the hospital for part 1 of the induction process.  We were so close to meeting our baby, finding out if baby was a he or she.

 

I remember...

 

... spending a lot of cuddle time with my dog.  Letting her know that she will always be my puppy but that a new baby would be coming to the house.  I've heard that dogs can adapt well to babies, or they can get jealous and I didn't want that.

 

... trying to nap.  Everyone says that you should get as much in before baby comes, because once baby gets here, you won't have time to sleep any more.

How right they were about not sleeping any more.  Too bad it wasn't because I was up all night with a crying baby.  I was up all night without a crying baby.