Ho hum

Thanks to the amazing power of social media and my ability to "creep" on facebook, I have found out that the last person that I was pregnant with has had her baby.  That makes 10 healthy babies, 10 happy families, 10 tired mommas.  Then there is me.  No healthy baby.  Devastated family.  Exhaustion so intense that I doubt I can get out of bed some days.  

I am happy that these 10 other mommas are not living my life.  It is so great that their babies are growing and crying and laughing and giggling.  But it is just so ridiculous that Ethan isn't here.  It's not fair and I hate it.  I would give up my life to let him has his.  Obviously.  Every mom feels that way.  I would also do anything to spend another minute with him.  I would also gladly give up my life to see him look at me, to see his smile.

I hate living without him.  This is not how things were supposed to be.  I know life never goes as you plan it but come on!  this is just ridiculous.

Now one of my twitter friends, who has struggled with fertility issues and who has already heard her baby's heartbeat is on the road to losing her baby.  I am so deeply sad for her.  And there is nothing that anyone can do for her but try to love her and assure her that she isn't alone on this horrible thing.

I would like to know what the hell is wrong with the world?  People spend money researching shark migration so surfers don't get killed but there is hardly any money spent in researching why BABIES die?  What about all of us moms who are dead on the inside, who have had our souls ripped out?  Why don't they research us?  Why don't they find ways to identify those babies with their cords wrapped around their necks and do something about it?  Why don't they find ways to help people who's placentas have come off?  Why didn't they know that Ethan was dying right at the same time he was supposed to be born?