August 2, 2013. Ethan should be four months old today. I should be marvelling in how such a little guy can do so much. Smile, cry, coo, want me, need me. Instead, again, I'm trying to figure out how now four months has passed. Marvelling at how much this little guy means to me. How I would still do anything to have him back, even for one minute. I miss holding him.
I've learned some things in these past four months. Many things. One of them is to appreciate the smaller things in life. The things that can bring happiness, if only for a mere second.
Today I mowed the lawn. Did the back first and just as I was finishing up the front, it started to trickle rain. I just missed a torrential downpour! Great. And I smile.
But just a millisecond later I cry. Because it was raining, hard. And it was beautiful and refreshing after mowing the lawn but Ethan will never ever get to feel the rain on his head. He won't be able to smile or curse at it. And that makes me sad. So I write this entry, soaking wet because I'm trying not to take anything for granted. Not the little things, not the fact that I beat the rain, and not even the ability to feel the rain on my head, on my face...
I just miss him. So, so badly.
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