A Day in My "New" Life...

So ya wanna know how I'm doing?

Today I went to Ikea with my mom.  

I see a very pregnant woman.  I immediately HATE HER GUTS.  Then I feel bad for her.  Because I was a very pregnant woman just a few months ago.  And I had two very early losses before I was pregnant with Ethan.  So maybe she is like me, like the 1 in 4 women, who have suffered a pregnancy loss.  Then I feel guilty for being such a jerk and hating this women that I don't even know.  But then I hate her again.  Because chances are, she will be delivering her perfect little baby shortly.  The one that has been with her every single day for 9+ months.  The one she knows and feels and loves with a love that you can't even explain.  And I'm so angry that I didn't get to keep Ethan.  But then I think that there is a slim chance that she won't get to keep her baby.  And I feel so bad for her.  And I feel so bad for me.  And so incredibly sad.  A deep longing within my soul cries out for Ethan.  And nothing will ever be able to fill that void but Ethan.  So then I feel sad and bad and guilty and there's a huge lump in my throat because I'm teetering on the edge of throwing things and bawling my eyes out...

Then there is another pregnant woman, and the same cycle repeats in my head.  But then there is another and another.  It's like all of the pregnant women of the City of Toronto decided to go shopping at Ikea.  And they are following me around and surrounding me.  It's like a bad zombie movie... except for instead of zombies chasing after brains, it's pregnant women, chasing after the bereaved mother.   And I'm overwhelmed and just need to escape. 

But of course, I'm at Ikea, so it's not as easy as just ducking out.  Of course, in addition to the pregnant women, I pass by a bunch of babies... the ones in the car seat, I know they could be Ethan's age.  And I scout them out everywhere I go.  I have to find them so I know they are there and they can't sneak up on me like little ninjas with baby sized nunchucks to throw at my already broken heart.  So I do, I scout them out.  Then I ignore them with all the strength I can muster.  That is, after I have had a sneaky little peak at them to make sure they aren't Ethan.  Because you never know... maybe miracles do happen and maybe he is alive somewhere, just not with me because of a bad dream, or something else just as ridiculous.  

And of course being strong only lasts so long.  Yes, I have my mom there with me but I don't have my Ethan.  And to top off my already horrible Ikea trip, as we are leaving, finally escaping the plethora of pregnant women and babies, we have to go through the baby section of the store!!  And there are cute things everywhere that I know Ethan would have loved.

Then as we were checking out, there was a very pregnant woman, with another woman who had a very new baby.  Queue the floodgate of tears.

And I'm so uncontrollably upset that I don't care that I'm in public.  I don't care that I'm an ugly crier.  I don't care about anything or anyone.  I feel like I can't breathe and I just want Ethan back.