Existence

I saw an article that caught my eye recently about existence.  And it made me start thinking about the things I do to prove Ethan existed.  I have my memories, but memories are always failing.  What else is there?  Well, I have a giant blanket with his "headshot" up in our tv room and in our bedroom.  I have pictures of him all over.  I keep his picture on my phone.  

But what about the other things?  For a while after he was delivered, I, like all the other baby mommas, produced milk.  I know from talking to a lot of people that this really frustrates and saddens people.  The milk should be going to a baby.  We all should be nursing.  It's really not fair.  It's the worst thing in the world to lose a baby, but then all the other crap that comes along with it is like a huge punch in the face.  Anyways, I kind of liked when my milk came in.  Not the initial engorged and hard as a rock, painful time, but the little leaks here and there.  I almost saw it as my boobies were crying over the loss of Ethan too.  But the biggest reason why I didn't mind it was because it verified his existence.

Other BLMs (baby loss mommas) I talk to have things they hold on to, like the baby weight, so I know I'm not crazy!

We also have a blanket that Ethan was wrapped in.  And we sleep with it every night.

It's insane how much we miss him.  Argh.

He did exist.  And now, he lives forever in my heart.