Work

So, I am officially back at work now. Nearly 8 months since I had originally gone off on maternity leave...

For the most part, it hasn't been too bad.  I generally enjoy what I do and I think I am pretty good at my job.  I love my boss, so work isn't bad itself.  But what it represents is just another daily reminder of what isn't.  I should still be on mat leave, complaining that Ethan is teething.  Not complaining that I have to wake up so early to go to work.

And then there are the people.  The lovely, ignorant people.  The well wishing people.  The people who wish me a cheery "welcome back!" as if I have been on a glorious sabbatical.  I haven't figured out a good comeback for those people yet.  

If it weren't for the people, work would be much better.  I went for coffee in our cafeteria one day and got bombarded by one lady who told me every single cliche that you should not say.  I got "you have to believe everything happens for a reason". "He is an angel now". "You have to stay strong". "God is going to bless you in other ways". Among others that I can't remember now.  It was like verbal diarrhea coming out of this lady's mouth and I was in too much shock to say anything in return.   

Here's the deal with me.  I don't know if I believe in God.  Prior to Ethan, I was struggling with what I believed.  After Ethan?  Hmph.  But guess what?  If you tell me that your god has taken my son from me and will bless me in other ways, I never ever want to meet your god.  As far as I am concerned, your god is an asshole.  If your god lets babies die, babies born to parents who have dreamed of this day their entire lives, your god is an asshole.  You are not doing your god justice.

So now, instead of being the social person I was at work, I keep my head down.  I avoid people.  I avoid the cafeteria.  I avoid any social functions.  As much as I can, I avoid going anywhere by myself.

I am pretty angry.  I really wish everyone would just leave me alone.