Like absolutely everything in this "new" life, this Christmas was supposed to be SO different. We should have an almost 9 month old baby boy. I don't think he would be old enough to understand, but he would be old enough that Christmas would have been fun.
Ever since DH and I moved in with my folks we have gone to a hotel to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning alone. We planned on doing that this year with Ethan too.
Instead of my gorgeous little boy rocking on a wooden rocking horse, his ashes sat in our fireproof safe.
Instead of DH and I showering Ethan with gifts, we showered him with as much love as we and a bunch of family and friends could muster.
This year, we asked family and friends to write a note to Ethan for his stocking. So, this Christmas morning, we woke up in our hotel room, our huge hotel room that could have fit Ethan's crib, toys, change table... I digress. We read all of the letters that everyone had given us for Ethan. And they were beautiful. And we cried. It was a really rough morning. But it was also so nice. Much like our lives right now, contradictory.
We are so thankful to the people who took the time to write Ethan a little note. It helped us get through Christmas knowing that people still think about our little boy. That he is not forgotten. We were actually surprised by some people who did take the time to write. We didn't expect some people to write, and we didn't expect such touching letters from some people. Likewise, we were also sadly surprised by the people who didn't write a letter. But I guess you take the good with the bad. That constant contradiction that is now our lives.
So, we survived our first Christmas without Ethan. It was hard and if I could have one wish it would be that no one ever has to go through babyloss ever again.
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