I am soon going to post about my return to work, so I thought I would post this first... it has been in my drafts for a while. I think I wrote it maybe in August or September...
Maybe it is boredom. On good days, us BLMs have nothing to do but think happy thoughts of our babies who have died.
Maybe it is guilt. Us BLMs have a whole whack of that stored up.
Maybe it is frustration. Us BLMs live in a sea of what should be but isn't.
Maybe it is exhaustion. Us BLMs are always trying to explain our feelings to others.
I do not know what it is, but when people ask me "when are you going back to work", it infuriates me!
I feel like it is people saying to me, "what? you're not over it yet? it's been 5 months".
I feel like it's people saying "if you are at work, you can busy yourself and you won't think about the fact that your baby is dead".
I feel like it's people saying "if you go back to work, everything will be normal again".
I do feel like I should go back to work. But that's just me. I like working. I'm good at my job and I enjoy most of the people I work with.
When I'm having good days, I actually am a little bored at home. I feel so super guilty that I am at home. And I think I should be at work. But when I'm having bad days, I can't even get out of bed, never mind get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, drive over an hour to work, work in a sometimes stressful environment for 8+ hours, then drive all the way back home again.
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