What You Need to Know

What you need to know is that when my baby died, a large chunk of me died with him and my life will never be the same.
 
What you need to know is that I am not the same person I was before Ethan died and I never will be.  I'm sorry if that upsets you.  I'm sorry if it means I am not the same friend, family member, coworker, etc.  I get that you want "the old Mel" back, but she is gone.     
 
What you need to know is that my entire outlook on life has changed.  I no longer hope for the best.  I no longer hope.  I am not oblivious to the hurt and the massive injustice in this world.  Bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen for no reason.
 
What you need to know is that any positivity I may have had died with Ethan.  Being positive does not bring a positive outcome.  I was such a happy positive pregnant person with Ethan.  Even when a team of 8+ doctors were working on my son, trying to revive him, I still stayed positive.  Not even for one second did I think my son would not be coming home with me.  They called a Code Pink over the loudspeaker and I was still positive.  I was positive and he died.
 
What you need to know is that every single day of my life since Ethan died has been a challenge.  Every single day.  I wake up and he isn't with me.  I go to work instead of being on maternity leave.  I have empty arms, an empty crib and a massive hole in my heart.  If I had lost my leg, instead of my son, you would see this.  Instead you just see me and don't understand that I am missing him, with every breath I take.
 
What you need to know is that birthday celebrations hurt so badly.  I'm sorry that while you are celebrating another birthday in the boardroom, I cannot join you. I am hidden away in the bathroom, crying. I did not get to celebrate my son's first birthday with him. Nor will we ever be able to celebrate his birthday.  There may come a time when I am able to, but that time is not now.
 
What you need to know is that some days are better than others.  Some rainy days make me happy because nature is at one with my grey mood.  Some rainy days make me sad because Ethan will never feel the rain on his face.  Every single day bring a different challenge.  Some are easier to deal with that others.  Time does not heal anything. Time just teaches you skills to cope with the pain better. Again, if I had lost my leg, would you tell me that it will heal with time? No, because that is ridiculous. So is telling me that time will make things better. Time will not bring Ethan back. 
 
What you need to know is that there are painful triggers everywhere.  Some of them are obvious, Ethan's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, basically any holiday.  Some of them just come out of no where and knock the wind of out me.  Today Sick Kids has taken out a huge ad in the Star claiming "every child deserves to be healthy and happy".  Damn right.  But sadly Sick Kids, that is not the case. 
 
What you need to know is that my grief brings with it physical symptoms.  This Sick Kids ad has got my heart racing, a huge lump in my throat, I feel like I can't breathe.  Symptoms almost like a mild anxiety or panic attack.
 
What you need to know is that you need to be patient with me.  I understand if you can't.  I understand that it makes you uncomfortable.  But just think for a second how I must feel. 
 
What you need to know is that I have loved my son since I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test and I will love him and miss him until the day I die.  There is no timeline on grief.  There is no limit on love.   

April 1, 2013

This time last year I was waiting for my husband to come home from work to take me to the hospital for part 1 of the induction process.  We were so close to meeting our baby, finding out if baby was a he or she.

 

I remember...

 

... spending a lot of cuddle time with my dog.  Letting her know that she will always be my puppy but that a new baby would be coming to the house.  I've heard that dogs can adapt well to babies, or they can get jealous and I didn't want that.

 

... trying to nap.  Everyone says that you should get as much in before baby comes, because once baby gets here, you won't have time to sleep any more.

How right they were about not sleeping any more.  Too bad it wasn't because I was up all night with a crying baby.  I was up all night without a crying baby.

April 1, 2013

It is so hard to believe that at this exact time last year I was in the hospital, having already had stage 1 of my induction. I was lying on a bed, baby and my heartrates blipping away and I hadn't a care in the world.

And now today I am trying to figure out how to best memorialize my son. My first born. My baby who died.

It just blows my mind.

Why Me?

Yesterday one of my friend's texted me to tell me that someone at work is pregnant. No warnings, no "hey, I have something to tell you that may make you lose your mind", she just blurted out "so and so is pregnant". I cannot even pretend to be happy for this person. I'm sure she is a great person and a great mother. This will be number 2 for her. And I am still at ZERO live babies. Just like everyone who got married in the same year as me. They were all on their second pregnancies last year when I was pregnant with Ethan (my third pregnancy). And now they are their happily perfectly spread out family and I am miserable. They have their kids to love and hug. I have ashes of what was my baby.

And I don't understand why me.

Today my future sister in law asked if I was available to go wedding dress shopping with her and one of her friends. I happened to be pregnant with this friend. I cannot see her. I do not even like hearing her name. Same goes with the other 20+ friends or acquaintances I was pregnant with. I hate them all. And I feel so bad for hating them all but I can't help it. They have what I don't.

And I don't understand why me.

Ethan was almost 4 years to the day in the making. 2 miscarriages, months and months of negative pregnancy tests. It's not like I want anyone else to struggle but seriously? 4 years. I am so angry today. So angry. Livid.

And I don't understand why me.

Christmas

My favourite holiday ever is was Christmas.  I love getting presents for people.  Seeing the looks on their faces when they unwrap the perfect gift I have found for them.  I still love that part, but Christmas has lost all of its magic now.

Like absolutely everything in this "new" life, this Christmas was supposed to be SO different.  We should have an almost 9 month old baby boy.  I don't think he would be old enough to understand, but he would be old enough that Christmas would have been fun.

Ever since DH and I moved in with my folks we have gone to a hotel to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning alone.  We planned on doing that this year with Ethan too.  

Instead of my gorgeous little boy rocking on a wooden rocking horse, his ashes sat in our fireproof safe.

Instead of DH and I showering Ethan with gifts, we showered him with as much love as we and a bunch of family and friends could muster.

This year, we asked family and friends to write a note to Ethan for his stocking.  So, this Christmas morning, we woke up in our hotel room, our huge hotel room that could have fit Ethan's crib, toys, change table... I digress.  We read all of the letters that everyone had given us for Ethan.  And they were beautiful.  And we cried.  It was a really rough morning.  But it was also so nice.  Much like our lives right now, contradictory. 

We are so thankful to the people who took the time to write Ethan a little note.  It helped us get through Christmas knowing that people still think about our little boy.  That he is not forgotten.  We were actually surprised by some people who did take the time to write.  We didn't expect some people to write, and we didn't expect such touching letters from some people.  Likewise, we were also sadly surprised by the people who didn't write a letter.  But I guess you take the good with the bad.  That constant contradiction that is now our lives.

So, we survived our first Christmas without Ethan.  It was hard and if I could have one wish it would be that no one ever has to go through babyloss ever again.

Work

So, I am officially back at work now. Nearly 8 months since I had originally gone off on maternity leave...

For the most part, it hasn't been too bad.  I generally enjoy what I do and I think I am pretty good at my job.  I love my boss, so work isn't bad itself.  But what it represents is just another daily reminder of what isn't.  I should still be on mat leave, complaining that Ethan is teething.  Not complaining that I have to wake up so early to go to work.

And then there are the people.  The lovely, ignorant people.  The well wishing people.  The people who wish me a cheery "welcome back!" as if I have been on a glorious sabbatical.  I haven't figured out a good comeback for those people yet.  

If it weren't for the people, work would be much better.  I went for coffee in our cafeteria one day and got bombarded by one lady who told me every single cliche that you should not say.  I got "you have to believe everything happens for a reason". "He is an angel now". "You have to stay strong". "God is going to bless you in other ways". Among others that I can't remember now.  It was like verbal diarrhea coming out of this lady's mouth and I was in too much shock to say anything in return.   

Here's the deal with me.  I don't know if I believe in God.  Prior to Ethan, I was struggling with what I believed.  After Ethan?  Hmph.  But guess what?  If you tell me that your god has taken my son from me and will bless me in other ways, I never ever want to meet your god.  As far as I am concerned, your god is an asshole.  If your god lets babies die, babies born to parents who have dreamed of this day their entire lives, your god is an asshole.  You are not doing your god justice.

So now, instead of being the social person I was at work, I keep my head down.  I avoid people.  I avoid the cafeteria.  I avoid any social functions.  As much as I can, I avoid going anywhere by myself.

I am pretty angry.  I really wish everyone would just leave me alone.

Guilt

I miss Ethan like crazy.  Every time I see a baby commercial.  Every time I see a cute outfit.  All day, every day.

But when I feel happy for anything else, I am plagued with guilt.  Plagued.  I don't know how to stop it.  If I am excited about anything, I feel terrible guilt that Ethan isn't here.  That some how I have not included him.  And so I cry. 

I don't know how to resolve this.