Guilt

I miss Ethan like crazy.  Every time I see a baby commercial.  Every time I see a cute outfit.  All day, every day.

But when I feel happy for anything else, I am plagued with guilt.  Plagued.  I don't know how to stop it.  If I am excited about anything, I feel terrible guilt that Ethan isn't here.  That some how I have not included him.  And so I cry. 

I don't know how to resolve this.

Capture Your Grief. Day 31. Sunset

Much like the sunrise day, I didn't catch the sunset. It was a pretty rainy day.

I know I have missed a few days and topics. Some I just didn't know how to properly capture the picture. I may go back and do them.  Or I may just write down what I think about them.

I think this whole process of "capturing my grief" has taught me a lot about myself. It has been a wonderful, and crappy at the same time, event to participate in. I hope I will do this next year and compare the two.

I like that the closing is of the sunset. It feels complete.

Thank you everyone for reading my postings and for commenting on them. As us bereaved parents say all the time, there isn't anything better in the world than people bringing up the names of our children. People thinking about them. Remembering funny stories while we were pregnant etc. So thank you.

Capture Your Grief. Day 26. Community.

This is a pic of my neighbour's tree. It's a cute little tree but I think it represents my "community" well. Much like a family tree.

The branches of this tree are my family, I've mentioned it before but I have an amazing family and the world's best brother, my friends (each one of you have done something to help me on this grief path), my neighbours (one day I was so overwhelmed with grief and no one was home at my house so I had to ask them for a hug), and especially all of the wonderful people I have met in the Baby Loss Community - my facebook friends and especially all of my Twitter friends.  Even my friends on Twitter from the IF community.  You all have been so wonderful.

Since Ethan died, I have surrounded myself with great friends and family members who are understanding, patient and amazing. I have also surrounded myself with other Baby Loss Mommas and have made some amazing friendships, all stemming from the ridiculous fact that our babies have died. It is an unbearable pain that I am so sad to say but am so fortunate to share with such amazing other people.

Capture Your Grief. Day 25. #Sayitoutloud

It is funny that I didn't put this one on my blog and on twitter earlier, since it has a hashtag and I love twitter.

 

 

 

We were supposed to bring you home in your carseat, not in an ugly plastic box.

Nothing will ever make this right. Nothing. Ever.

Please don't tell me that we will feel better in time. Time only brings what we won't have. Halloween came and went. That was almost 7 months. We weren't able to dress Ethan in the costumes we bought for him. In 3 years time, he should be starting school. In 16 years, getting his license. There will always be something. Time does not heal. It only provides you with an opportunity to learn how to cope.

Please don't say anything with "at least" at the beginning of your sentence. Someone said to me "at least you know now that you can carry a baby full term". I cannot publish that words I have for that.

Capture Your Grief. Day 24. Artwork

This is my Ethan collection:





The rock is a rock that my aunt's (again, best aunt ever) 8 year old son scouted and found from a beach in France as a perfect "Ethan rock". My little cousin wrote Ethan's name on it, drew a soccer ball and a home (because "that is where Ethan lives").

The middle picture is a painting that my aunt had someone do at the base of the Eiffel Tower. I cried like an insane person when she gave it to me. It was and still is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen (besides Ethan of course).

The bottom is a photograph that I got from Chandler Photography. It is a huge photo that was taken, I believe, in her backyard. We also have a second photo of this Ethan flower. We have the second photo hanging above the dinner table at the cottage.

Capture Your Grief. Day 23. Tattoos/Jewellery

Mark and I both have tattoos in memory of Ethan. You can find mine on day 3 and 11 of my Capture Your Grief.

When we were in Cuba in May, thanks to the generosity of our fabulous friends, even though I had brought pictures of Ethan, I felt like I was so far away from him. So Mark and I bought an Ethan bracelet. It was a metal bracelet with blue beads on it. It was something that was nice and yet looked sort of masculine too. We thought that it would be something that Ethan would buy for me. And it made me feel a bit closer to him. I can't find that bracelet today...

 

The rest is my collection of Ethan jewellery so far. Everything I have makes me feel closer to him. From left to right:

1) Ethan owl necklace. When we visited with Ethan in the funeral home, he sort of looked like an owl. I am so happy that owls are "in" right now...

2) E necklace. My amazing aunt (same one who does amazing things for me all the time) got me this necklace.

3) Ethan broken heart necklace. This necklace was free from a charity called August Wings. They provide bereaved mothers with a two necklaces, a half broken heart with your baby's name on it, and another small broken heart that you can keep with your baby. I wear this necklace basically every day, under my clothes. The other half of the necklace is with Ethan's ashes.

4) Blue dragonfly necklace from Jewellery Designs by Anastasia. A lot of the babyloss community sees dragonflies as signs from their loved ones. This summer at the cottage, I was out on the lake when the neighbours came up with their little boy. I was feeling so sad when a blue dragonfly came and landed on me and stayed with me for the entire time I was out there. So now I associate blue dragonflies with Ethan too.

5) A beautiful bracelet that the owner of Jewellery Designs by Anastasia gave to me in memory of Ethan.

6) A ring that says "My Forever Love, Ethan"

I feel like I am missing more and if so, I will post them later.

I keep all of my Ethan collection separate from the rest of my stuff in a jewellery box that my brother gave me. I figure he is one of the most, if not the most connected family members to Ethan, so it is appropriate.

Capture Your Grief. Day 22. Words.

 


"Code Pink", the nurses called shortly after Ethan was born. 

And then we knew it was bad. 

With those two simple little words, our world came crashing down, our hearts broke. 

We lost all faith and hope. 

We lost Ethan.