Why Me?

Yesterday one of my friend's texted me to tell me that someone at work is pregnant. No warnings, no "hey, I have something to tell you that may make you lose your mind", she just blurted out "so and so is pregnant". I cannot even pretend to be happy for this person. I'm sure she is a great person and a great mother. This will be number 2 for her. And I am still at ZERO live babies. Just like everyone who got married in the same year as me. They were all on their second pregnancies last year when I was pregnant with Ethan (my third pregnancy). And now they are their happily perfectly spread out family and I am miserable. They have their kids to love and hug. I have ashes of what was my baby.

And I don't understand why me.

Today my future sister in law asked if I was available to go wedding dress shopping with her and one of her friends. I happened to be pregnant with this friend. I cannot see her. I do not even like hearing her name. Same goes with the other 20+ friends or acquaintances I was pregnant with. I hate them all. And I feel so bad for hating them all but I can't help it. They have what I don't.

And I don't understand why me.

Ethan was almost 4 years to the day in the making. 2 miscarriages, months and months of negative pregnancy tests. It's not like I want anyone else to struggle but seriously? 4 years. I am so angry today. So angry. Livid.

And I don't understand why me.